This winter, or as I like to call it, 100 Years of Solitude, (I’m sorry Gabriel Garcia Marquez, I’m sorry) SUCKS. I don’t even know why we bothered to buy the children snow gear since it’s too damn cold to play outside.
But chin up, kids! It can’t last forever. So to help us all make it through to a day when the sun actually does something useful with itself, here are my 7 cheap and cheerful suggestions for surviving the polar vortex:
1. Get some flower arrangements up in your crib
Please don’t even tell me you still have Christmas decorations up in your house. Stop it. Stop it right now and put that shit AWAY. It’s time for flowers. Maybe if we all believe and pretend hard enough, spring really will come. So get some flowers.
I know what you’re thinking. It’s either that flowers are not cheap or that flowers are lame. I will show you how wrong you are:
These flowers aren’t real, which sounds lame, but look at them! They make me so happy! I got them at the dollar store. The kind of dollar store where everything actually costs $1. So since I already had the pretty white pitcher, I only had to spend SEVEN DOLLARS for a cheery flower arrangement that perks me up every time I look at it.
2. Cover everything in your life with salted caramel something-or-other
Add a generous slug of salted caramel vodka to your salted caramel hot chocolate and surviving the polar vortex will seem easy. Well, for a few minutes anyway.
3. Check out some hilarious blogs
These are a few of my favorite laugh-out-loud funny posts:
4. Have a dance party with your kids while wearing something, um, unexpected
This morning while dancing with my kids, it was rain boots. That’s not really unexpected, especially since kids love shoes they can put on themselves, but recently the twins were dancing in rain boots, pajama tops, and nothing in between. So barenaked bummies plus rainboots equals a ridiculously adorable and un-photographable dance party. Wait, did I make it sound like I was wearing the same thing? Because I wasn’t. I mean, I was wearing rain boots, but I had my damn pants on for heaven’s sake what is wrong with you?
Unfortunately the girls won’t let us have a dance party to anything but Dora music these days, but I’m holding onto the hope that I can choose the music again someday soon. The Grumpy Old Troll doesn’t really make me want to shake my groove thang, if you know what I mean.
5. Embrace the fact that you own 4,611 scarves
Oh, is that just me? I love scarves. I have a lot of them. When I was a teacher, I had ample opportunities to wear them. Scarves are pretty, they bring color up near your face which is nice this time of year when you look like Crisco, and if you teach teenage boys, they can be a handy way to cover up your boobs. Now though, who sees me? Who cares if my cleavage is showing or if I have any color near my face? Well, it’s time to start caring. Put on a scarf and look nice for a change, peeps. If you need to borrow one, just let me know.
6. Three little words: EOS (okay that’s not really a word I guess) Lip Balm
You guys. This stuff is awesome. It actually works. As in, it moisturizes your lips without that lip-product-addiction problem you get with some stuff. It’s organic. The little egg-shaped containers are freaking adorable and colorful. You can buy them at Target, Wal-Mart, the grocery store, and probably other places but I wouldn’t know because I never go anywhere else. They only cost $2.99 each. This isn’t a paid endorsement or anything, I just love this lip balm.
Honeysuckle Honeydew is my favorite. I’m not a big fan of the Summer Fruit flavor because I think it’s supposed to smell like peaches or nectarines but it kind of smells like armpits. I still use it though. I don’t want to let it go to waste. But if I’m talking to you and you think you smell armpits, it’s probably just my lip balm. It could be armpits though. You never know. Don’t hate.
7. Read some poetry
I love this anthology, Good Poems for Hard Times, because it really is just that: a collection of poems to get you through the tough stuff. I’m pretty sure this winter counts as some tough stuff. So find some good poems, or any good book really, and snuggle up with your salted caramel hot chocolate and let yourself be absorbed into someone else’s words. It’s the best kind of escapism.