Motherhood: The Ability to Love Someone who Bites your Nipples and then Burps in your Face

posted in The Baby, Why do we have so many dogs? on by with 13 Replies

Disclaimer:  This one’s about breastfeeding and stuff, so if you don’t know what this is:


You should probably skip it.

The Baby is 8 1/2 months old.  She’s chubbly and gurgly and I can’t stop touching her skin because it feels like a cloud made of angel fairy breath.  She’s so cute it makes my teeth hurt.  But also, she can be kind of punk challenge lately.

Take nursing, for example.

She used to be soooo sweet when she nursed.  She loved it.  Obviously.  It was what she lived for.  When she was a teeny tiny newborn, she would get this super-serious look on her face when she was just learning to nurse.  She would concentrate so hard on this intense business of nursing that she would be completely exhausted after like five minutes and pass out into blissful baby sleep, leaving me with aching breasts who still thought they needed to make milk for twins.  Then, when she was a few months old, she would wiggle around with delighted anticipation as we got ready to nurse and joyfully muckle on and go to town.

Now, nursing is a sporting event.  Fun for her, not for me.  She is a wily, twisty, ferociously unpredictable little beast.  She bucks and kicks with impatience while I’m trying to get her situated.  She acts like it’s an emergency that she gets the milk RIGHT THIS GODDAMN SECOND but then as soon as we start nursing, she decides to be incredibly interested in everything else going on in the room.  Which is usually a lot, since her two big sisters bebopping around are the coolest things ever.

This is usually how nursing goes:

  • Nurse for less than two seconds.
  • Pop off violently and whip head around to check out the goings-on of the twins.
  • Back to the boob.
  • Pop off and let milk dribble/spray all over the place.
  • Back to the boob.
  • Pop off to grunt, wiggle, and try to commit suicide by leaping backward off the Boppy pillow for no reason.
  • Back to the boob.
  • HOLYSHITSHE’SBITINGMEOWOWOWOWOWWWWW!  She doesn’t even have teeth yet.  Lord help me when she does.
  • Aaaaand we’re done.

So that’s been fun.  And then, even though I feel like she hardly got any milk, I try to burp her.  But holding still up against Mommy’s burp-cloth protected shoulder?  Yeah right.  That’s for amateurs.  She would much rather head-butt me in the nose, grab me by the hair, and pull my face so close to hers that I think she’s trying to see inside my pores.  I’m just sitting there admiring her, worshipping her chubbliness and thinking something like, Aww, she’s so cute!  I think her eyes are still changing color and her little button nose is just so perf…and then: BUUUUURRRRRRP.  With a little dribble of spit-up just for funsies.

I feel so used and abused.

She has some other new tricks to keep me on my toes lately too.  She is constantly trying to get one of these:


In her mouth.

She’s all like, “Dogs!!!  Yes!!!  I love you guys!!!  Get! In! My! Mouth!”

Which is exactly what the dogs say in their heads, only they substitute “unidentified lawn turds” and “gross-looking bugs” for “dogs.”  So I obviously can’t be letting her get her little mouth involved with any of that disgustingness.

And then today, she went on nap strike.  But she didn’t want to be awake either.  She just wanted to be sort of pissed off all afternoon.  Which I don’t understand at all.  I mean, she’s not the one having her nipples chomped to bits and I would love nothing more in the whole world than for someone to put me in my bed and then leave me alone for a while.  How is that not SUPER appealing to you, Baby?  How???

But now she’s finally sleeping, pink-cheeked and perfect, and I’m already looking forward to snuggling my little baby beast when she wakes up.

That’s the kicker of motherhood, isn’t it?  These tiny little dictators can do whatever they want to us and we still adore them, feed them, protect them, worry about them.  It’s a powerful kind of love.

  • Frantic Mama

    Laughing out loud at this post. Love it!!

    • ShakespearesMom

      Thank you!!

  • claudoo

    Hilarious post! My kids are 16 and 18 but I can still vividly remember nursing them so this was a treat. My daughter was a fabulous nurser – 8 minutes per boob. My son, on the other hand, was the nurser from hell. He would fall asleep after 2 minutes, then when I’d put him back in the crib, wake up screaming ’cause he was starving (of course, as he hadn’t really nursed). Then back and forth for about an hour until it was time for his next nursing. Basically I lived to nurse for about 9 months. Now they’re teens, so that’s a whole ‘other story!

    • ShakespearesMom

      Thanks, Claudoo! Nursing your son sounds like the kind of experience that turns all of your hair gray at once. But you made it through, so that’s encouraging! Good luck with the teens!

  • Kelly Fox

    My kids are 6 and 10 so nursing is a distant memory. But your post brought it all right back front and center. I think I even felt the phantom milk drop. Great post. Thank you!

    • ShakespearesMom

      Thanks for reading!

  • Piper George

    I am kinda glad that nursing didn’t work for me! I know what you mean about the naps – I would love to be sent to bed at 8pm and told to not do anything till morning! How can the kids not love sleeping? Maybe it’s something they have to learn as they get older!

    • ShakespearesMom

      I think it’s one of those backward things in life where you only appreciate sleep if you can’t get it. Thanks for reading!

  • MolleyMills

    I’m totalling sending myself to bed early! motherhood can sure be challenging but they say it’s worth it….;) Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

    • ShakespearesMom

      Sometimes you just can’t help but fall into bed as soon as the kids are down for the night. Thanks for reading!

  • Mercy Langille

    I remember this as if it were yesterday, even though my youngest is now 3 and hasn’t nursed in over 20 months. I always hated it when they pulled away so hard and bit. The hardest was with the youngest. She got her first 2 teeth at 3 months old. I still don’t know how I put up with the pain of her bites when she was so small that all I could do was cry and bear it.

    • ShakespearesMom

      Oh god – teeth at 3 months is rough. My baby took her time getting teeth, but it’s amazing how hard those little gums can be!

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