The Scene: A summer block party in Dora the Explorer’s backyard, filled with her friends from various kids’ TV shows.
Dora (circulating among the guests with a tray of margaritas): HI EVERYONE! I’M SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT!
I LOVE SUMMER!
DO YOU LOVE SUMMER?
IF YOU LOVE SUMMER, SAY, “I LOVE SUMMER!”
SAY IT LOUDER!
SAY, “I LOVE SUMMER!!!!”
Pink My Little Pony (aside, to her Pony Posse): Oh my god you guys. I can’t even with her. I just. Can’t. Even.
Purple My Little Pony: Ugh. Totally. She’s too much. Too much weird hair, too much yelling, and ohmygod what is up with her clothes???
Pink MLP: Right? She looks like my blind grandma dressed her. And her socks. It literally hurts me to look at those socks.
Yellow MLP: You’d think her BFF Boots would say something. What good is a gay best friend if he’s not helping a sister out with her style? Amiright?? (leans in for a hoof-bump)
Pink MLP (leaves Yellow’s hoof hanging and throws her some intense side-eye): Are you serious? That is so stereotypical. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they have style. I kind of can’t believe you just said that. My brother is gay and he wears pleated khakis and gross sandals from Goodwill. And anyway, have you seen Boots’s ridiculous red Uggs? I mean Uggs are bad enough, but red ones?? He’s no fashionista, obviously.
Purple MLP (to Yellow): Seriously. What’s wrong with you?
Yellow MLP (lowers her hoof and shuffles it around in the grass): No, right. I mean of course. I didn’t mean to be offensive. (long awkward pause) Boots’s boots are hideous. Like, so hideous.
Pink MLP: Oh shit. Brace yourselves, girls; here comes Angelina the damn ballerina. And what do you know? She’s wearing her dance stuff. Why does she never change out of her dance stuff?
Angelina Ballerina: Hello there, girls! You all look just lovely today! Isn’t this a lovely party? I just adore Dora. And I adore parties. Don’t you?
Pink (looks bored): Yeah, Dora’s great.
Purple (fiddles with her lip gloss): Yeah, parties are great.
Yellow: Can I ask you something, Angelina?
Angelina: Of course you can, silly! I adore answering questions! (does a weird twirly-leaping-ballet thing)
Yellow: I just, um, well we were just wondering, why do you wear your leotard and ballet shoes and stuff all the time? Like, don’t you get sick of wearing tights? And don’t you think a tutu is kind of a bizarre choice for a summer block party?
Angelina: I’m a ballerina! Ballet is my life! I mean my name is Angelina Ballerina! I don’t even own any regular clothes!
Pink: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. You don’t own any regular clothes?
Angelina (giggles, a lot. Like a beat too long): I’m Angelina Ballerina!
Purple: Yeah, no, I mean we get that. But like, don’t you ever just want to wear jeans or flip flops or whatever?
Angelina (looks confused): I’m Angelina Ballerina. I’m a BALL-ER-INA. I guess I just don’t really get what you’re asking.
Pink: Okay, no that’s fine. That’s great. You’re a ballerina and that’s just super. (to her posse): We have to get out of here. She’s batshit crazy. Let’s go pretend to eat something by the food table.
Dora: HEY EVERYBODY!
IT’S ALMOST TIME FOR THE PINATA BUT I CAN’T FIND IT!
DO YOU SEE THE PINATA?
WHERE IS IT??
IF YOU SEE THE PINATA, SAY “PINATA!”
Daniel Tiger (moves closer to Caillou, who
whined talked him into coming, even though he’s scared shitless of Dora): Did you hear that?
Caillou: How could I not hear it? Everyone in the entire world can hear it when that girl talks. My ear hurts now. Owwwww. It really freaking hurts. I wish my ear didn’t hurt. Ow ow owww.
Daniel Tiger: I’m scared of piñatas. I’m worried that spiders might fall out of the piñata instead of candy. I mean everyone says that piñatas are filled with candy, but how do they really know? They could be filled with anything. Literally anything. Spiders, worms, tomato soup, a hundred tiny knives; you just don’t know!
Caillou: Daniel, that’s stupid. Why would anyone put a hundred tiny knives in a piñata? I hope I get to go first when it’s time to hit the pinata. I never get to go first. I reeeeeeally want to go first. I’m going to help Dora find the piñata so I can go first.
Daniel Tiger (determinedly zipping up his cardigan): I guess I’ll go with you. I can see Kipper making his way over here and that guy creeps me out even more than piñatas. I mean is he a kid, or a grown-up, or what? Doesn’t he live alone? But with like a lovey-blankey or something? He’s freaking weird. Plus he’s such a close-talker and you know I have personal space issues. Let’s go find that stupid piñata.
Kipper (bumbling around, clearly drunk, speaking vaguely to everyone and no one): Hi there! Smashing party! Almost as much fun as Tiger’s fancy dress party last summer!
Ooh, peach daiquiris? Don’t mind if I do!
Has anyone seen Arnold? My friends and I are supposed to be minding him but the cheeky little fellow gets into some frightful scrapes! Tee hee!
Ooh! A slip ‘n’ slide! Mind if I have a go?
(passes out on the grass at the end of the slip ‘n’ slide)
Doc McStuffins (rushing over to Kipper): Oh no! This patient needs my help! Let me get my doctor bag!
Pink MLP (taking microscopic nibbles of a carrot stick): Oh my god it’s that chick, Doc McWhateverhernameis. You guys, she’s like eight years old, but she thinks she’s a real doctor. I can’t even with her.
Doc McStuffins: I have a diagnosis!
Purple MLP (whispering to the posse): Yeah, me too. You’ve completely lost your mind.
Doc McStuffins: Kipper has Totally-Tipsy-Itis! He needs to go home, get some rest, and drink plenty of water!
Caillou (dragging a piñata): I found the piñata! I found it! Me! And I’m going to be the first one to hit it with the stick! Me! Me first! Me, me, me!
Dora: YAY! WE DID IT!
(breaks into song while doing a baffling, choreographed dance with Boots)
WE DID IT! WE DID IT! HOORAY!
WE DIAGNOSED KIPPER AFTER HE THREW UP – WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
WE FOUND THE PINATA AND SAVED THE DAY – WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
WE DID IT! HOORAY!
THANKS FOR COMING TO MY PARTY!