Fake Eyelashes: Enough is Enough

posted in Celebrities, Mom Fashion, Trashy TV on by with 31 Replies

Dear All the Ladies on TV:

Can we stop with the fake eyelashes already?


For the love of all that is holy, please just stop it.

It’s at the point now that regular eyelashes are starting to look weird.  Like, a perfectly beautiful woman could be on TV, but you’d be distracted, thinking to yourself, “Huh.  What is it about her that looks so weird?  She has a nice smile.  And her hair is lovely.  Is it too much Botox?  Nope.  Is she wearing pink lipstick that makes her teeth look yellow even though they’re obviously not because why would you go on TV with yellow teeth?  Nope.  It’s not that either.”


Her eyelashes aren’t whacking her in the forehead every time she blinks!  They don’t waggle around on her face like one of those giant Vegas showgirl fans!  She’s actually on TV with REGULAR eyelashes!

I know that there is so much that is fake, or misleading, or unnatural about the way women are portrayed on television, in magazines, and all over the media in general.  It’s actually a huge problem that deserves serious discussion, but that’s too overwhelming for me right now.  Today, I’m choosing to focus on one small (and yet startlingly long and lustrous) problem with pop culture because you have to start somewhere, right?

Doesn’t it seem like fake eyelashes should be reserved for a really special occasion?  Take my favorite line of reality programming, The Real Housewives of Wherever the Hell, for example.  Almost every single one of them wears fake eyelashes ANYTIME A CAMERA IS ROLLING.  Not just on a wedding day.  Not just to attend some kind of gala or fundraiser or black tie event.  No.  Those ladies have wacky black tentacles glued to their eyelids when they go to the gym, the airport, a playdate at a friend’s McMansion, even a freaking pool party.  Where they don’t really swim, or get wet, obviously, because something gross would happen to their eyes.

I mean, come on.  That hair and makeup must have taken hours.  There's no way she's getting in the pool.

I mean, come on. That hair and makeup must have taken hours. There’s no way she’s getting in the pool.

I guess I should expect this kind of over-the-top cosmetic enhancement from a bunch of ladies on a show whose whole point is being over-the-top.  Okay fine.  But now actresses on regular shows wear them all the time.  And talk show hosts.  And news reporters.  AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.  It’s just weird!!  Doesn’t it bother them to have those things on all the damn time?  Don’t their eyes get tired?  And when they’re not wearing them (whenever that is) don’t they feel like their eyes look naked?

Maybe I’m extra sensitive about this because I myself have seriously shitty eyelashes.  Mascara has always been a good friend to me.  I’m fine with wearing makeup.  I’m just not fine with mascara no longer being enough.  I would suck at fake eyelashes.  I would be like Lucille Ball in Yours, Mine, and Ours.

If you've never seen this movie, you should check it out.  Lucille Ball is da bomb.

If you’ve never seen this movie, you should check it out. Lucille Ball is da bomb.

So anyway, ladies, can we please collectively agree that fake eyelashes SUCK?  That they were for sure invented by a man who knew that he would never have to wear them himself?  Because they’re ruining eyes for everyone.  You know how these things work.  It’s a trickle-down effect.  The masses will start wearing them (in fact, they already have, because you can buy them pretty much everywhere) and I’ll be damned if I’m going to pick up a set for myself along with milk and diapers next time I’m at the grocery store, or god forbid, for my daughters when they turn into tweens.  No.  Just no.


A Concerned Citizen