Germs are not Really Germs, and Other Stuff My 3-Year-Old Explained to Me

posted in Funny Stuff Kids Say, Getting Sick, Toddlers are Weird on by with 15 Replies

You know how kids are always starting conversations out of nowhere?  You could be sitting around the dinner table, and you might ask your husband a question about the weather, or what he thinks about Gwyneth Paltrow’s position on cashew milk (just kidding; no one talks about good ol’ Gwynnie as much as she’d like them to) and your kid just launches into a random dissertation on something completely unrelated:

GERMS are not really germs.  They’re just germs.”

So opened The Enforcer’s proclamation on germs the other night.  I have a cold, AGAIN, so the germ-talk has been pretty intense around here, but no one was talking about germs at the time.  I guess she just had a lot of germ-thoughts building up that she needed to share with the rest of us.

The Great Germ Proclamation of 2014 continued:

Enforcer:  GERMS are just in POOP.  Not in people.  Germs are not actually in people.

Mommy:  Well, not exactly.  Germs are…

Enforcer:  THIS is the deal: we really don’t eat germs.  GERMS are not living things of germs.

Daddy:  Well, no, because…

Enforcer:  GERMS are not similar than germs.

Mommy and Daddy: 

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Captain Chaos (who has been thinking pretty hard about this whole germ thing herself, apparently):  Germs are go in poop, and, um, everything.  Legs, chairs, doors, bummies, tummies, curtains, lights…

Mommy:  Yeah, that’s true, there are…

Enforcer:  GERMS are the hiccups!

Mommy:  I just, um, what?

Captain Chaos:  …bookshelves, walls, shoes, hair clips…

Mommy:  So, remember the other day, when you licked the bathroom doorknob, and I told you that was a bad idea because…

Enforcer:  I know about germs.  I talk about germs ALL the time.

Mommy:  Yeah, well, pretty hard to argue with that reasoning, I guess…

Captain Chaos:  …jammies, forks, dogs, babies…

Maybe The Enforcer has a future in microbiology, or epidemiology, or I don’t know, something that involves lots of proclamations.  She’d probably make a great White House press secretary.  Meanwhile, I think I need to talk to more adults.  These kinds of conversations are starting to make me feel like my brain is on a Tilt-a-Whirl.

TheEnforcerAndGerms