Germs are not Really Germs, and Other Stuff My 3-Year-Old Explained to Me

posted in Funny Stuff Kids Say, Getting Sick, Toddlers are Weird on by with 15 Replies

You know how kids are always starting conversations out of nowhere?  You could be sitting around the dinner table, and you might ask your husband a question about the weather, or what he thinks about Gwyneth Paltrow’s position on cashew milk (just kidding; no one talks about good ol’ Gwynnie as much as she’d like them to) and your kid just launches into a random dissertation on something completely unrelated:

GERMS are not really germs.  They’re just germs.”

So opened The Enforcer’s proclamation on germs the other night.  I have a cold, AGAIN, so the germ-talk has been pretty intense around here, but no one was talking about germs at the time.  I guess she just had a lot of germ-thoughts building up that she needed to share with the rest of us.

The Great Germ Proclamation of 2014 continued:

Enforcer:  GERMS are just in POOP.  Not in people.  Germs are not actually in people.

Mommy:  Well, not exactly.  Germs are…

Enforcer:  THIS is the deal: we really don’t eat germs.  GERMS are not living things of germs.

Daddy:  Well, no, because…

Enforcer:  GERMS are not similar than germs.

Mommy and Daddy: 



Captain Chaos (who has been thinking pretty hard about this whole germ thing herself, apparently):  Germs are go in poop, and, um, everything.  Legs, chairs, doors, bummies, tummies, curtains, lights…

Mommy:  Yeah, that’s true, there are…

Enforcer:  GERMS are the hiccups!

Mommy:  I just, um, what?

Captain Chaos:  …bookshelves, walls, shoes, hair clips…

Mommy:  So, remember the other day, when you licked the bathroom doorknob, and I told you that was a bad idea because…

Enforcer:  I know about germs.  I talk about germs ALL the time.

Mommy:  Yeah, well, pretty hard to argue with that reasoning, I guess…

Captain Chaos:  …jammies, forks, dogs, babies…

Maybe The Enforcer has a future in microbiology, or epidemiology, or I don’t know, something that involves lots of proclamations.  She’d probably make a great White House press secretary.  Meanwhile, I think I need to talk to more adults.  These kinds of conversations are starting to make me feel like my brain is on a Tilt-a-Whirl.



  • “GERMS are not similar than germs.” Ha! So hilarious. At least you know she don’t be getting sick since it’s impossible. 🙂

    • ShakespearesMom

      Right? Germs are not really germs, so…
      Thanks for stopping by!

  • Meredith

    HAHAHAHA! This was hilarious. Unfortunately, I have way too many similar conversations at my own house. It does feel a lot like a tilt a whirl sometimes! Thanks for the laugh. And for linking up too! Will share for you.

    • ShakespearesMom

      Thanks!! She was really on a roll with this one.

  • I’m with you on needing more adult conversation! I can’t seem to think a single thought without being interrupted with random proclamations from my kids! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

    • ShakespearesMom

      At least we know we’re not the only ones talking nonsense at dinner, right? Thanks for reading, and best of luck with your own Tilt-a-Whirl ride!

  • Kim Gordon Pease

    Oh My.. The tears are just running down my face right now from laughing so hard. Thanks for that I needed it! Those two are so stinking cute.

    • ShakespearesMom

      You’re very welcome! And thanks – they are pretty cute, aren’t they?

  • Old Dog, New Tits

    I miss these moments. My kids are getting older and, thus, the crazy talk tends to be coming out of MY mouth now. (sigh)

    Thanks for sharing this little glimpse of your daily life. Always makes me smile. Please come back and visit again at KetchupWithUs on the 1st. 🙂

    • ShakespearesMom

      Glad I could make you smile! And crazy talk comes out of my mouth all the time too. I swear I’m a reasonably intelligent person, but some days I can’t even remember basic words.

  • Andrea Ryan

    This is awesome. Kids are so darn hilarious…when they aren’t screaming at you. Or each other. 🙂

    • ShakespearesMom

      They are hilarious, thank God. The other night I was laughing so hard at something one of them said that I had to pretend I was having a coughing fit so she wouldn’t know I was laughing at her 🙂

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  • Elizabeth Catalano

    So cute! It’s so fascinating how kids have these fascinating theories and yet can’t quite articulate them because of their vocabulary. And then they cough directly in your face.

    • ShakespearesMom

      Yup! That’s pretty much exactly what happens.