There are no Spageetoes on the Porch, and Other Reasons my Three-Year-Old has Corrected Me (This Week)

posted in Best of Shakespeare's Mom, Funny Stuff Kids Say, Parenting Challenges on by with 28 Replies

Teenagers are famous for thinking they know everything about everything, or at least that they know more than their idiotic, lame-o parents.

I mean, Hermione's parents were MUGGLES, for heaven's sake.

I mean, Hermione’s parents were MUGGLES, for heaven’s sake.

I would like to formally apologize to teenagers on behalf of, well,  everyone, I guess, for this negative stereotype.

Teenagers ain’t got nothin’ on three-year-olds.

If you think you know something, about anything, just tell it to a three-year-old.  I promise you will discover, in no uncertain terms, how stupid and ill-informed you actually are.

So without further ado, I give you this list of reasons my three-year-old has corrected me, just this week. (I’m sure she has more wisdom to impart over the coming weeks and months.  Stay tuned.):

1.  I called a vessel one would use to drink coffee a “mug.”  She said, “It’s called a cup.”  And she looked me in the eyes and said “cuuup” really slowly to make sure I understood.  She takes her job as my life-coach seriously.

2.  Me:  Finish up your egg salad if you want to have more cantaloupe.

Three-Year-Old:  Egg salad sandwiches.  They’re called egg salad sandwiches.

Me (but only in my head, because, duh):  I don’t care what the hell you call it, just fucking eat it so you can have more fruit and be done with it and go. to. nap.

3.  Me (holding out a plastic toy asparagus bunch):  Here you go!  Here’s a vegetable for your soup!

Three-Year-Old (Stops stirring her pretend soup.  Sighs.):  It’s not a vegetable; it’s spagarius.

Right.  Because “spagarius” is totally a thing.  Silly me.

4.  Three-Year-Old, examining contents of a shopping bag:  What are these things, Mommy?

Me:  They’re candles, to keep the mosquitoes away on the porch.

Three-Year-Old (shakes head, shrugs, and laughs a small, condescending laugh):  Spageetoes?  There are no spageetoes on the porch.  (Walks away, marveling at my ineptitude) Heh, heh.  Spageetoes.

5.  It was a nice day, so I rolled the windows in the car down a little, but not too much, because I didn’t want to hear it about too much wind blowing their hair around.  We turned off our street, and I was going about 25 mph.

Three-Year-Old:  Are we goin’ fast?

Me:  Not really.  Just a tiny bit fast.

Three-Year-Old:  Well, my hair is blowin’ so we ARE goin’ fast.

Which begs the question, “Why the hell are you asking me, then?!?”  But obviously, you can’t say that to a three-year-old.  Unfortunately.

6.  The Baby points to a picture of a bicycle and says, “bi-cle.”

Me:  “Yes!  That’s a bicycle!”

Three-Year-Old:  I think she’s sayin’ “pretzel,” not “bicycle.”  Yeah, she’s sayin’ “pretzel.”

Me (but again, only in my head, because, you know, appropriateness):  Right.  It obviously makes way more sense to point to a picture OF A GODDAMN BICYCLE AND SAY “PRETZEL” THAN TO SAY “BICYCLE.”  I don’t know how I’ve survived this long without your wise counsel, young genius.

7.  I have a coffee mug, oh wait, excuse me, coffee cup, that has a design with the name “Montague” on one side and “Capulet” on the other.  I got it at the Globe Theater gift shop in London, and it’s one of my favorite things.  The other day, I was drinking coffee from it when,

Three-Year-Old:  What do those words say, on your cup?

Me:  This side says “Montague” and this side says “Capulet.”  They’re family names from a play.  The names of the characters in the play are Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet.

Three-Year-Old:  No they’re not.  (Walks away.)

8.  My husband’s birthday is coming up, and he and the twins and I were all on the couch talking about what food he’d like to have for his birthday.  The girls obviously suggested “CAKE!” and “ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM!!”

Hubs:  Well, you know what I really like, that we could have, is: ice cream cake!

Three-Year-Old:  (Closes her eyes.  Flaps both hands up and down at her sides in the international signal for “calm down”):  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Everybody calm down.  (side note: no one wasn’t calm.)  There is no “ice cream cake.”  There’s “ice cream,” and there’s “cake,” but there’s no “ice cream cake.”  (other side note: if she’d known about air quotes, she totally would have been doing them.)

She couldn’t handle it.  The idea of a cake, made out of ice cream, completely blew her mind.  It did not compute.  For her, ice cream cake is in the same category as ghosts and monsters and the days before she had a little sister: things that aren’t real.  I still don’t think she’s going to believe in ice cream cake until she sees (and tastes) it.

So there you have it.  A list of things about which I know nothing, (You know nothing, Jon Snow) but that my three-year-old is “helping” me with.  This week.  Who knows what sorts of wise expertise she’ll have to share next week, or, oh dear god, for the rest of my life.


  • Meredith

    Oh my gosh. This is hilarious. Sounds like you have quite the character there. So funny. My kids don’t correct me this much, but I bet that once my little 2yo gets more verbal, he will be all over this kind of behavior! Thanks for linking up! Your posts are always so fun.

    • ShakespearesMom

      Thank you! Yeah, I have a whole crew of characters over here.

  • hahaha this is so funny! My recently-turned-4-yr-old could have such great condescending conversations with your 3 yr old! Mine also tells me “We’re goin’ really fast” all the time, and her new things is questions such as: “We goin this way?”
    Which I always want to answer “Nope,” but that just makes the whole painful thing take even longer.

    • ShakespearesMom

      Mine ask weird questions like that too! I never really know what to say.

  • Jessie Stevens

    Oh gosh, I just laughed so hard. Partially because I have a four year old just getting out of that phase who still occasionally “corrects me” but mostly because I’m so, so SO glad to hear I’m not the only one who gets, perhaps, irrational angry at being wrongly corrected. Thanks for sharing I feel much less alone in my mental WTF of the children! 🙂

    • ShakespearesMom

      So glad I could make you laugh! And I’m glad I’m not the only one too!

  • Haha, I seriously laughed at this post, mainly because my daughter is the same way. Unfortunately she also inherited my husband’s smart mouth so she really throws me for a loop.

    • ShakespearesMom

      It’s hard to know how to respond when they do this kind of stuff! Sometimes they’re so nonsensical!

  • This is so hilarious! Thanks for sharing these gems. At the moment in our house, it’s Dad who gets corrected the most 🙂

    • ShakespearesMom

      Glad you could relate! Although it does get to be kind of annoying, doesn’t it?

  • Christina


  • Caroline

    This cracked me up! Very funny blog post. My little girl is just turning one, so we have a way to go before I get the honour of her 3 y.o. insights and knowledge. I can’t wait! (I say that now….)

    • ShakespearesMom

      Well, maybe your little pumpkin won’t be quite as much of a know-it-all – you can always hope, anyway 🙂
      Thanks for reading!

  • Amy

    Oh dear. Can’t wait to hear all you’re doing wrong when she’s 13.

    • ShakespearesMom

      I know, right? Sheesh.

  • So cute! I laughed out loud at the notion of her strolling away from you and your spageeto candles. Was she rolling her eyes, too?

    • ShakespearesMom

      Hmm. That’s a good question. While she certainly has the eye-rolling attitude down, I guess I don’t know if she knows how to actually roll her eyes. Why isn’t that one of the milestones they ask about at their well-child check-ups?

  • Old Dog, New Tits

    Don’t worry. You’ll still be stupid when she’s a teenager. She’s just breaking you in now. (sigh)

    Mother of son (14) and daughter (12)

    • ShakespearesMom

      Oh god. I know. Best of luck to you – I know that I was pretty awful when I was 12, so I hope it’s going ok with your daughter!

  • Kristi Rieger Campbell

    Oh too funny. I love it! And yeah, you might maybe have your hands really full when she’s a teen. Maybe she’ll be the kind to ignore you because she’s so much wiser than you and can’t be bothered to teach you what a cuuup is any longer. Spageetoes = 🙂

    • ShakespearesMom

      Who knows what she has in store for me when she’s a teenager. And yeah, she’s already getting closer to pronouncing “mosquitoes” correctly, and I kind of wanted her to say “spageetoes” forever 🙂

  • Kerri Ames

    HOLY CRAP YES!!!! Wait until she is 10 though because then the condescending tone comes with the eye roll and perfect air of self-importance. And wait until she can read. I had to stop wearing my t-shirt that said, “Out of Wine. Life is Crap” about five years ago when she tried to sound it out.

    • ShakespearesMom

      Oh I know. I remember when the little boy I used to take care of learned to read, and suddenly a whole new world of challenges opened up. Your t-shirt is hilarious. Thanks so much for stopping by!

  • Love your blog! Love your sense of humour and I enjoy reading all the hilariously TRUE comments you tend to make in your head…Most of my days are very similar with my two sons – 5 years old and 3 years old! 🙂 When i was reading how she corrects you it reminded me of a conversation earlier this year i had with my then 4 year old “mom Akira said 2+4 is 6 but 3+3 is six, right mom? 🙂 ” I said “well yes 3+3 is 6 but so is 2+4, it’s just another way of adding to 6” “no mom 3+3 is 6 not 2+4!” me: “my babe, 2+4 is si..” “NO MOM I DONT WANT IT TO BE!” lol…i’m always getting yelled at

    • ShakespearesMom

      Thank you so much! I’m glad you can relate. One of my 3-yr-old twins is going through a super sensitive phase and bursts into tears if you look at her wrong. You just can’t win.

  • Jen H

    Ohhhhh my. My daughter has just now seriously gotten into this stage but thankfully, I guess, it wasn’t until she turned 7. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to speak so many of your internal comments out loud! I got a good and very needed laugh out of this one. Here’s wishing us both good luck lol.

    • ShakespearesMom

      It’s just not fair that you can’t say some of this stuff out loud, is it? I’m glad I’m not alone in this. Thanks for reading!

  • ros emely

    Omg I love this! So funny maube because my daughter is the same way!