This One’s For You, Honey: a Father’s Day Post for my Husband

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I love my husband.  I mean, we got married and everything.  In honor of Father’s Day though, I decided to make him a list of some of the things I love about him now that he is a father:

1      He doesn’t think of me as any less attractive now, even though I just had three children in three years.  It’s not like he ever says anything about it; I can just tell.  He’s not at all bothered by the fact that my midsection will never again see the light of day.  He doesn’t care that my hair is sometimes a weird-ish shade of brown because I color it myself now rather than paying the big bucks at the salon.  He couldn’t care less if I’m wearing spit-up-covered yoga pants or…wait…that’s basically all I wear, and he doesn’t even notice if I’m wearing makeup or not.  That’s pretty great, if you ask me.

2.     He does all the grocery shopping.  And the running to the store for baby wipes.  Or Mike’s Hard Mango-Lime-Cranberry-Whatevers.  No matter how late it is, he will run to the store.  He will buy tampons, a jumbo box of Goldfish crackers, nursing pads, and whatever specific brand of eyeliner I want (I’m not kidding – he’ll find Revmay L’Occilline Everproof Magic Stick in “Huckleberry Starshine” if I ask him to) with absolutely no complaints or silly macho comments.  He doesn’t care.  I’m sure if anyone in the checkout line tries to give him a hard time, he’s just like, “Yeah.  I’m married.  I have kids.  It’s not a big deal.”

3.     He can’t sing or dance to save his life, but he does both anyway.  With the kids.  A lot.   And it’s so freaking adorable.

4.     He can still pick up and carry all three of our children at the same time.  It’s not pretty, and someone always loses a sock or a hair clip in the process, but he can do it. 

5.     He does bathtime with two-year-old twins.  By himself.  I don’t know how he does it, but he takes charge of bathtime for the girls with no (okay hardly any) complaints.  Bathtime is no picnic, let me tell you.  It’s all fun and games until it’s time to rinse out their hair.  Then it’s a wet, crying, trying-to-fall-down-and-whack-their-heads-on-the-side-of-the-tub, slippery, naked mess.  But he handles it like a champ. 

He does not, however, have the responsibility for combing out the girls’ hair afterward.  The one time he did, Captain Chaos looked like PeeWee Herman.  I will never forget it.

This is not an adorable look for my little girl.  Nope.  Not at all.

This is not an adorable look for my little girl. Nope. Not at all.

6.     You should see him pack all of our stuff in the car when we go away for the weekend.  It’s like an Olympic event.  While I’m running around shoving everything into bags and shouting helpful things like, “This is way too much stuff!” or “I can never find ANYTHING in this house!  Where the HELL is the baby’s sunhat?!?”, he puts his serious face on:

Rocky_Balboa -6- Sylvester_Stallone

and starts loading up the car.  Sometimes he has his ear buds in while he does it and I think he’s secretly listening to “Eye of the Tiger” just to get himself in the right frame of mind.  Also so he doesn’t have to listen to me.  He seems almost to welcome this Herculean task, but instead of being able to look forward to immortality as a reward, he gets a carful of loud children and a grouchy, sweaty wife for his efforts.  He really does deserve a medal because I’ll be damned if he doesn’t fit everything in perfectly every single time.

7.     He’s a better cook than I am, and without him, I would eat A LOT of Crazy Bugs Macaroni and Cheese from a box.  Okay not even.  I would probably just eat chips every night for dinner because you don’t have to cook them.  Also, wine is made out of grapes, so, duh, it’s totally good for you.  Don’t get me wrong; I cook healthy stuff for the girls all the time.  But my own nutrition?  Who has time?  Fortunately for me, he makes the time.  And he’s good at it.  Can I just say though, that this:  is what I’m making him for Father’s Day?  Yeah.  As long as I don’t mess it up, it’s going to be amazing.

8.     He is the one person who loves and understands our children as much as I do.  That is quite a bond we share, folks, quite a bond.  He knows what “crib kisses” are because he invented them.  He knows all the words to a lesser-known version of “Hush, Little Baby” whose lyrics include references to an Etch-a-Sketch and a Solo cup because we made it up together in the car one day.  He knows that humming Darth Vader’s theme song calms the girls down, that The Enforcer doesn’t like “yogurt beans” but Captain Chaos does, and that “Zipper Mouth” is just about the most fun game a two-year-old can play with her dad.  He listens and cares about what they have to say.  He helps them solve their problems.  He is the best dad I could ever imagine for our girls and I don’t know what we’d do without him.